trewkris

07:22 pm: I'm crazy!
Warning: This entire journal entry is going to consist of complaining. Read at your own risk and consider yourself warned. Right now I don't feel too well, so I decided to update this thing because there isn't much I feel like doing. It may have something to do with the fact that I was up until 3:30am trying to do econ homework on Stata, then woke up in time for a 6:30am meeting for HH. Life is a little stressful right now. My little brother is in jail, and it's really taking a toll on me because I feel like I'm constantly doing things that he can't do for himself. For example, today I was supposed to pick up his last paycheck, take the rap from his boss about why he can no longer get work release, drive to Ingham County Jail, deposit the check into his jail account, go to his apartment (provided his roommate is home) to look for the wrong car title that the secretary of state sent him, go to the secretary of state to get the correct one (after waiting in line for a few hours, I'm sure), pay his rent, pay Bethany back for taking care of his pets, etc. I am just tired of running around and so today I didn't do any of it because I was just too exhausted. Even if I'm not running errands, I am tired of talking to all 500 of my family members who want to know how he's doing and call me because I'm closest to him. Not to mention I've gone significantly over my cell phone minutes for the past three months.

A second major stressor right now is class. I just can't seem to get caught up. I was supposed to pick a thesis by last Thursday, which I did, but now I think I'm going to have to change it and start all over. I don't know if you know how this feels but I am so upset I'm surprised I haven't cried. I am seriously considering dropping the class and taking it next semester. I hate to do this because that means I wouldn't be done until May and hellooooo I'm going to be 26! Not to mention I won't be getting a tuition refund which reeeeeally stinks, but I just don't see how I am going to get caught up. I have til like October 4th or something to think about it. Meanwhile, my prof things I'm the biggest slacker in the world. And rightfully so.

The final thing I will complain about is boys. How is it that I am having boy troubles when I am not even dating anyone? I suppose it may not be uncommon. A guy from my past named Jerad called me up at the bank a few weeks ago and left a message. Initially I didn't call him back because I thought he just wanted to get in my pants. However, he called again and this time I answered the phone, so there was no avoiding him. We talked for a little while but then I had to go so I told him I'd call him later. Long story short - he is a Christian now so he came to His House on Wednesday and it was really fun to hang out with him (sober) and hear stories about Iraq. You may be wondering what my complaint is and it is just that I do not know he wants from me. I'm pretty sure he's figured out that he's not going to get any, and I don't think he even likes me as more than a friend, although he says he does, but I think he just likes flirting. NOT COOL. As a girl, I can honestly say that our little dainty hearts are fragile. They do not easily withstand the emotions that arise when we get PLAYED. So this is why I have decided that I am not going to date Jerad nor am I going to let myself like him. To be frank, this is easy to do because we have a lot of differences in terms of political and religious views. I just need to be very very CAREFUL and look to God for direction and discernment.

Well time to try to catch up on homework.

01:24 am: no subject
I love God so much. Today a random guy named Andy knocked on our door while a bunch of us were eating dinner together. He said he just wanted to use our phone but we ended up talking for quite some time about his past, which is pretty messed up, and Jesus. I don't know the mechanics of drug trafficing, but apparently he was one of the main suppliers of acid to the entire state, particularly Grand Rapids and Detroit. As a graduate of Notre Dame High School, ACT score of 34, and straight 4.0, the guy can't forgive himself for all of the things he sacrificed to sell drugs. Now, with five felonies on his record, life isn't going to hand him roses. I love talking to people like him because they usually don't know that God loves them. In my opinion, love is the most powerful emotion (although it is much more than an emotion). I think that love is what motivates people more than anything else. A lot of people say it's money, but I think money is just an avenue that people use to try to get love. Sure, people like to have money so that they can have lot's of stuff. But it's not because they like the stuff, it's because they think people will like them for having the stuff. Anyway, the point is, that when people find the ultimate love (God's love) they typically have no reason to search for anything else. This love is what I want so badly for Andy to experience. It's the ultimate fulfillment. The past simply doesn't matter. A lot of Christians freak out when talking about God, but I don't see why becuase all you gotta do is tell people He loves them! If they come to understand that, the rest is cake (even though I don't even understand it at times). Psalm 103:12 comes to mind: "As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us." I like this verse because it really demonstrates the magnitude of God's love for you and just how quick and easily He forgives you. The east and the west are infinitely far apart. To this same magnitude is how God loves us as forgives us.

Okay, so I never intended to preach. I am just so consistently awed by God. I know some people that get annoyed by Christians who are overly happy and optimistic. While I don't necessarily share these character traits, I can at least understand them.

For me, life is joyful. My only concern is the only thing that's ever a concern: people that I love. My brother's sentencing is August 23, which is my dad's birthday. It's possible he could get up to three felonies, which is really going to mess things up. I don't think I've ever applied for a job and NOT been asked "Have you ever been convicted of a felony?" My dad is doing okay. I am not sure if he is still blaming himself for everything that has happened, but he takes a lot of my advice on how to be a parent and things are getting much better. The whole thing is really a sad story, but I know that God is working it out just the way it needs to be. I'm applying for all sorts of jobs, mostly in the financial area. I'd like to get a job with the government and then transfer to NYC in a year or two. Right now I need to be here for the fam. May God's mercy and grace shine upon us.

12:19 am: looking forward to 07-07-07
Wow. So much has happened since I have last written on this dumb thing. Basically I'm not gonna talk about much, I just want to update what's been going on, and then talk more about it tomorrow. I'm too tired right now.

Classes ended and they went as expected, except for econometrics, which I thought I'd fail, but ended up with a 3.0. That was a God thing for sure.

NYC was amazing but we didn't have enough time to do everything we wanted. Hihglights: car broke on the way there and the boys fixed it (that's why we invited them), figured out the subway system finally (I'm going to need to know this when I move there), this really amazing restaurant in Little Italy, ground zero, 177 Starbucks, Central Park, hanging out... Oh yeah, and I am pretty sure I saw Brad Fraizer in Times Square - a guy that I had a crush on in high school. Small world.

After NYC I transferred to the Brookfield branch which is right next door and five steps from Beaners (bad news). I'm really liking that branch.

Now, I'm in the midst of summer classes which are annoying me. I'll elaborate later. And I'm trying to deal with everything that is going on with my brother. I'm also trying to figure out where I need to live for this upcoming semester because I can't sign a year lease if I plan on moving to NYC, which I do (and I'm currently looking for a job there). Oh yeah, I also started training for a marathon last week. It's going very well, but I'm wondering if it's like not good for your body to run for like four hours straight. I'm losing weight so I'm hoping that I will still fit into my bride's maid dress for Becky's wedding. Some how I'm not too worried. Plus she's having a chocolate fountain at the wedding in which I plan on indulging for at least most of the time that I'm not dancing.

Today a client wished me a "Happy 666." I didn't really know what to say besides "Uhh, I don't really know what is so happy about it?" So then he handed me his check for $1777 and said "deposit $1000". Naturally, I counted $777 back to him and said "There, that's more like it." Crazy guy. Sad thing is, the bible actually prophesies about people making light of the devil and his powers in the end days. Well you know what I say... BRING IT.

Well I need to go to bed so I can get up and run.

Out.

12:31 am: good day
Today, God was amazing. I mean He always is, but you know what I mean. I went to my first class (econometrics) which was meeting in Case Hall only for the day, but I forgot about it and went to Berkey where it normally meets. Attendance seemed quite low and after about 10 minutes after class should have started we all realized that we should have gone to Case. Well.. I decided that Barnes and Noble was much closer to me than Case Hall, so that's where I ventured off until the start of my next class. Naturally, I walked straight to the Christian section at the front of the store. I didn't plan on buying anything (gotta save my money for NYC) but the book just about jumped off the shelf at me. It's called "Kissed the Girls and Made Them Cry" by Lisa Bevere. I've read a different book (which was TOTALLY AMAZING - changed my life) called "Under Cover" by her husband, John Bevere, and I always felt bad for Lisa because I thought she would probably never be even close to as good of an author as he. I couldn't have been more wrong. This was the best book I've ever read in my life - no joke. After yanking it off the shelf, sitting at the closest table and reading four chapters straight, I was baffled to find myself in tears over things that happened in my past that I THOUGHT had no effect on me. The book is about sexual purity for women, and why we loose when we give in. But really, it's so much more than that. It talks about how our society strips women of their dignity and replaces it with shame. It talks about forms of sexual abuse that you never even knew was sexual abuse (and overcoming them with the power of Jesus). For example, a parent (especially a dad) watching a movie with a nude scene infront of his daughter is abuse. Maybe not by law, but emotionally. Read the book to find out why. I am not emotional, nor am I a feminist, but the wisdom of Lisa Bevere and the power of God will change the life of anyone who reads this book. Guaranteed. So anyway, as I was reading it, I kept thinking of a certain girl who I thought I should give the book to, but I have a habit of giving away all my books and then not having them for reference later. So I put off the thought. Then, I go to my marketing class in which I am not paying any attention to the class but rather I'm reading the book. The girl sitting next to me (who's name, I find out later, is Amanda) asks me if it's a good book and I can hardly tell her enough about it while at the same time being quiet enough so the rest of the class can't hear me. Suddenly I knew I had to give it to her. But seriously, who just does that? If it weren't a Christian book, I wouldn't have hesitated. But in our society where everyone wants to hear your religious opinion, UNLESS it's Christian, I wasn't super keen on this. So I said alright God, if you want me to give it to her then don't let her leave right away so that I have a chance to say something. So she didn't get up right away so I told her "This might sound weird but I really feel like I need to give you this book." She was very surprised but very receptive, and she took the book. I sure feel like an idiot sometimes. So then later, at MIDNIGHT, the girl who I was thinking about earlier who I thought I should give the book to, called me up because she "really needed to talk" because she couldn't fall asleep because she was disturbed by sexual things that had happened in her past (CRAZY things that weren't her fault). I was like "What, God? You didn't tell me to buy TWO copies!" But because God is awesome, I was able to use the information that I had just read to impart some comforting words. So, I have another copy on order from Amazon (plus I found out there's a workbook to go with it!) and we're going to get together once a week and do some reading together. I AM PUMPED! It will never cease to amaze me just how much God loves us. He is in the business of YOU. Whatever it is. Blessing you, restoring you, encouraging you, loving you... He's nuts.

Oh there was one awkward thing that happened to me today. One of my guy friends in all seriousness asked me if I liked him (ya know, as more than a friend!) AAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGGGGH I do not know why he thought this but he said he was a little "concerned!" I hope I didn't offend him with my twelve hundred "NO!"s. I mean, If I HAD to marry him (like at gunpoint) I would probably survive, but otherwise is a dead issue. And, I wish he hadn't asked.

I am sooo looking forward to NYC. Right now we've got about 6 people going! Our hotel isn't quite the Marriot, but like I said I'd sleep on the street if I had to. Plus, there's nothing wrong with a little taste of the city.

P.S. I peed about 22 times today. I'm a little confused because I hardly drank any water. Just thought it was interesting.

P.P.S. I think Jesus is coming back in my lifetime. Bring it!

10:43 pm: good book
I just popped two Tylenol PM so I'm guessing this will be short (I know, you didn't think I was capable of a short entry). I kinda gave up writing for a while because I feel like so much happens I can't really keep up. Saturday I bought a book called "23 Minutes in Hell" and read the entire thing in about four hours (easy read). Essentially, it's about this guy (the author, Bill Weise, I think) who went to hell for 23 minutes. I heard about this book from a friend and wanted to buy it because it sounded sketchy (people make all sorts of crazy claims), but after reading it and examining the scriptures I'm convinced he's telling the truth. He talks about ending up in a prison cell, like one on earth, and being tortured by deamons. He said that it was so hot that he didn't understand why his skin wasn't singed off (the answer is because people in both heaven and hell have eternal bodies - they can't die - this I already knew from scripture). He said that no blood or water seeped from his wounds - blood and water are a sign of life and there is no life in hell, which is also why people are constantly dehydrated and desperate for even one drop of water. He also said that he so desperately wanted to talk to another person, but he never saw anyone (unless they were being thrown in the pit of fire) and he also heard their screams. He did know God here on earth but God erased it from his memory because he had to have a complete sense of hoplessness while he was there. If he had known God, he'd have had hope. There's a lot more to it with a lot more explanation, but basically in the end Jesus saves him from hell and when asked why he sent Bill to hell he said because a lot of people don't believe in hell, even Christians, and he had to warn them. Bill said that no one would believe him and Jesus was like dude don't worry about it, it's not your job to convince them (but not in those words). So to sum it up: dude goes to hell, hates it, Jesus saves him, tells him to warn everyone. Sounds far-fetched, but my thing is: even if you don't believe HIS own personal story, it still supports what the scriptures say about hell (all 150 verses). Oh, btw, the Bible is the most researched and scrutinized book in the whole world. Learned that on Jeopardy. More likely to be true than ANYTHING else you will ever read. Offended? Yeah, thougt so. Obligation sucks, eh? Not when GOD ROCKS! WHOOP WHOOP!

Oh yeah, went to University Reformed Church Sunday night. Definitely not what I'm used to (how am I supposed to raise my hands when I'm holding a hymnal?) but loved the sermon and would for sure go back.

12:32 pm: good weather + weekend approaching = very good mood
Thank God this week is done! I had two exams today, one in EC 436 and one in marketing. I studied for about 30 minutes for the first, and not a single second for the second. Oh yeah, I also had homework due in econometrics that I didn't do. I probably would have studied more/done my homework if I didn't have anything better to do, but unfortunately this past week has been crazy with stuff going on, then there were people over til about 4am last night so I'm obviously going to be more interested in hanging out w/them than studying. I truly can't believe myself sometimes. I am so frequently shocked by my own behavior and priorities. I need to get married and be a housewife so I can just hang out with people all day and spend my husband's money on gourmet coffee. Oh yeah, I had my mock interview yesterday. As Abbie would say... I totally ROOOCKED that biznatch! I was also heavily complimented on my apparel which was well deserved because, afterall, I DID have to wear a skirt that was four sizes too small (I can't believe I've gained so much weight), nylons (which required me to shave my legs) and shoes straight from the pit of hell (actually, from Kohl's).

I don't really know what the heck God is trying to do in my life right now. He obviously doesn't like me being comfortable in my beliefs because everytime it happens he sends someone along that totally throws me for a loop. It's happened with Mormonism, Jehovah's witnesses, Reformed theology, United Pentacostal theology (i.e. speaking in tongues to be saved) and now Catholicism. If nothing else, I can at least tell you alot about these faiths - from their perspectives and from mine. It's funny - when I first became a Christian I just knew that I was right and everyone else was wrong, and I even blamed others for being so ignorant. Now I know that it's not so cut and dry, but why would it be? That's the point of deception. If things were OBVIOUSLY wrong, no one would believe them. So it comes as no surprise when I can't immediately defend my faith because it's all a learning process. I THOUGHT I knew a lot about Catholicism as well, until I met up with my friend Matt (and his friend) on Tuesday night at the Peanut Barrel. Another reason I didn't study for exams. He used to work with me at the bank and we'd tease each other about each other's faith, but I didn't realize how much we really do focus on different things. In his opinion, Catholicism is all about the eucharist. He says that it's necessary to actually TOUCH the body and blood of Christ (as opposed to taking communion as a symbol) in order for miraculous things to happen (he used the example in the bible where the lady was bleeding for 13 years and then touched Jesus' cloak and was healed). This presented two problems for me. 1)I do not see the evidence of these so-called miracles that Catholics supposedly perform due to this physical contact with Jesus, at the very least they are not any more profound than those performed in the protestant faith and 2)In my opinion, scripture does not exist that backs up this claim, to which he replied "it's tradition" which opened up a whole new can of worms which I won't go in to, but basically Catholics will tell you that the accuracy of their tradition is just as reliable as the Bible. As a protestant, I obviously have a huge problem with this totally taboo claim. However, it's necessary to consider it possible until disproved (at least in my mind because afterall I am only trying to form MY own beliefs). So that is what I am going to do. Don't get me wrong - my intentions are to find an answer so I can sleep at night, not so I can go around protesting the Catholic church. I am just going do what God asks and seek Him. Yes I care what others do, but that is their business and I'm there for them if they want me. On the other hand, I have to be careful when I dig deep into Christianity because sometimes I think satan uses it to keep me too busy for other things, like evangelism. It's important to be sound in your beliefts, but not at certain costs. Pray for me, PUHLEEZE!

BTW, it's not looking like we're going to have a lot of people commit to NYC. It's a bad week for everyone (lot's of people are going down to Mississippi that week) plus it's expensive. It might be for the better, though, cause too many people can be chaos especially in a big city. If need be, I'll be perfectly happy spending the week with just Jenna (or anyone for that matter). Afterall, it IS New York!

04:50 pm: Why is this world stupid?
On days like today, the only thing I know to do is praise the Lord.
One of my favorites is a song by Casting Crowns called "Praise You in this Storm." It goes...

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
And stepped in and saved the day
Once again, I say Amen, and it is still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear you whisper through the rain
I'm with you
As your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I'll Praise you in this storm
And I will lift my hands
You are who you are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will Praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find you

I lift my eyes into the hills
Where does my help come from
My help comes from the Lord
The maker of heaven and earth

11:45 pm: randomness 2
So Tracy left yesterday at like 3PM after Larry fixed her car FOR ONLY $100! It would have been at least 300 or 400 if she had taken it to the shop. God rocks. After that Jenna and I went shopping for few hours and I realized again that I really am a girl. Sounds weird but there are a lot of "manly" elements to my personality (maybe cause I don't have a mom?) I'm not very emotional, I live in sweatshirts and jeans, I love math, I don't like chick flicks... okay I guess those things are trivial. So anyway, Jenna and I tried on the most glamorous dresses and it was really fun (normally I don't enjoy such things), but I can't imagine where we would wear them. The reason we went shopping is because I needed high heel shoes to go with my interview suit but, despite their wide selection, I didn't purchase any. The ones that I liked were comfortable but not quite appropriate, and the ones that were appropriate I couldn't walk in. I am not a feminist, but I feel that high heels are very oppressive. I refuse to spend $80 on shoes that are not only extremely uncomfortable, but will destroy my feet and ankles as time goes on. There are certain things in life I don't understand. In high school our team worked out at the same time as the wrestling team and I remember them running the track like crazy people trying to loose enough (water) weight in order to fall to the lower weight class. "Isn't it unhealthy to loose so mugh of your water weight?" I asked. "Yeah, but the other team is doing the same thing so we've got to compete," they replied. I was totally disgusted. Instead of both teams running themselves to death why doesn't neither team do it and they would still be equally competitive with each other as they would have been otherwise? The same goes for high heels. Instead of everyone wearing them (and upping the status quo) why doesn't NO ONE wear them, and we'll all be just as happy? Whos rules ARE these? Ugh. Idealist, I know. So after shopping was bible study where I, once again, learned that I am a girl. We've been watching the "Lifetime of Love" DVDs with Randy Gariss, a marriage counselning expert. The topic of the night was differences in how men and women are made and how this affects marriage. Basically, men need to know that they are valued and appreciated and their wives are very proud of them. Women need to know that they are special, irreplacable, and they don't have to compete with anyone or anything else for their husband's attention. This is totally me, or at least it would be if I were married. Anyway, bible study was awesome and afterward we hung out for a while and ate some chocolate cake. It got to be about 2AM and finally I was off to bed when I remembered I had an econ exam today. Wupps! So I studied for about 15 minutes, went to bed, woke up at 8, studied a little more, took the exam at 10, forgot my I.D., ran back home to get I.D., ran back to the classroom, showed my I.D., came home, napped, studied for two other exams this week. Oh, and I got a lead on a job as an account analyst. We'll see how it turns out. Pay is very good, but not quite sure if I'm fully qualified (they take econ. or accounting, but prefer MBAs). Well, I think I'm going to lay in bed and think about New York.

08:43 pm: Watch out!
Usually when I talk on here I use at least some descression as far as grammar goes, but not tonight baby. This entry consists of my thoughts as raw as they get. Today was a crazy day. After about three hours of sleep, I woke up for work. Work was crazy. I balanced the drawer before I used it because someone else had used it last (standard procedure). It was just shy of $1,000 short. I searched and searched for where this money could be. Meanwhile, this left only one teller operating the branch and, needless to say, a line out the door. Turned out the guy who had used it last didn't sign off correctly, so the computer didn't register any of his transactions so it thought that his starting and ending cash were equal. Therefore, it thought that his ending cash was MY starting cash, which would mean that HIS starting cash was MY starting cash, which was impossible because he had in fact processed transactions. Normally I would have fixed the problem without thinking twice or placing balme, but the fact that this guy has screwed up numerous times, including a personal deposit that he had processed incorrectly for me and which resulted in an overdraft fee, made it hard not to loose respect for the guy. On top of that, he makes me feel very uncomfortable at work - totally violating the cultural space bubble, and touching my shoulder whenever he talks to me. EEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW. I'd trade my life for his, but seriously, he grosses me out. I feel sick when he looks at me. Plus, he makes comments about the appearance of EVERY girl after she leaves the bank (and I'm sure I'm not exempt from this). I want to punch him. I feel protective of those girls, both as my clients and as my sisters in Christ. Grrr... So essentially, him signing off the computer wrong led to the surfacing of a lot of rage toward him. I probably should deal with it. Anyway, on a lighter note, then Tracy shows up at the bank to surprise me! I was soooo excited! Tracy and I lived together for four years (2000-2004) and I love her and miss her so much! She's a social worker in Detroit and just came to town to visit some friends, including me. As happy as I was to see her, of course it was on the day that I had woken up 15 minutes before I had to leave for work so I wasn't showerd and didn't have clean clothes on because I haven't done laundry since Spring Break. I don't know when the "flat look" came in style, but aparently it did because about six people today told me that they liked my hair. In addition, I don't wear deoderant so I'm sure my B.O. was starting to permeate the place. So after plowing into Tracy with a hug that I don't think she was expecting, we decided it would be best to go back to my place so I could shower while she printed off some photos at the pharmacy. Then we headed to Bravo, my fav restaurant. It was by the grace of God, I am convinced, that her car waited until the second we pulled into the parking space to break down. Let me tell you - we were REALLY sad that her car broke down at the mall. Yes, I'm totally lying. So we ate, did some shoe shopping, then called AAA. We had it towed to Firestone on the west side, because they're the only place open on Sundays and Tracy has to be back to Detroit Monday morning for a court date (for one of her cases). After learning that it was going to cost $300-$400 to fix and the mechanic wasn't going to be in on Sunday anyway, she freaked out and decided we'd try to have someone I know fix it - Brad, the campus minister of HHCF who just so happened to pull into our driveway at the exact same time we did (after Matt had picked us up and driven us home). Only thing is, he's got someone with him - a prospective transfer student named Sam (very cool guy). Luckily, Sam was easy going and the four of us were off to the West side to see what we could do on Tracy's car. I was pumped because I've always wanted to learn more about cars. Plus, car breaking down = quality time with people tyrying to fix it. After stopping at Brad's to get tools, we arrived at Tracy's car with little daylight left, only to discover she hadn't brought her keys. Off we were back to the east side. She felt like a jerk - I felt happy not to be the only one that... yeah. So after a few trips to Auto Zone we still couldn't fix the problem and she's still in E.L. I didn't get ANYTHING done that was on my agenda for the day ('cept work), but it was totally worth it. Like I told Brad earlier: I've got three tests and a paper due this week. Even if I worked without sleep from now until they were due I still wouldn't get them done, but if something social comes up then I don't think twice about going. I mean, I could have done my stuff while Tracy, Brad, and Sam fixed the car, but nah. Afterall, Tracy IS leaving for the Peace Corps in August. When she's gone, I won't wish I had done homework instead of hang out with her, which, by the way, I learn something new every time I'm with her. Today Tracy confirmed that I'm a pessimist (Becky told my I'm like Kit in the movie "Failure to Launch" who also plays the role of Jovie in "Elf"), but only in the micro view of things. In the macro realm, I'm an optimist (but I like to call it joyful). Being a joyful pessimist may sound like an oxymoron, but I don't believe it is. I think I'm pessimistic about this world because, let's be real for a moment, it sucks. People don't suck, but principalities suck. On the other hand, I'm joyful because there's a God (you knew I was going to say that) and there are so many of God's people to love! Tracy and I are opposite in this way. We are also opposite in political preference, and in the way we view the world (she's gray and I'm very black and white). In my opinion, something's either right or wrong. In her opinion, it could be both at the same time. Maybe this is why I find her one of my most interesting friends.

Oh, and I have something to look forward to after finals week. Ahem, ahem... JENNA AND I ARE GOING TO NEW YORK CITY. Wait, I don't think you heard me, JENNA AND I ARE GOING TO NEW YORK CITY!!! Of all the places I've been, NY is my favorite and I want to move there soooooooooo badly. If I ever won the lotto that I don't play, I totally would. We'll probably try to get a bunch of people to go to make it cheaper. Shoot, I'd sleep on a park bench. Okay because I'm a random person I'm just going to stop talking because I'm falling asleep.

01:27 am: :(
djfiajrtg;rfmsdda'rj]w[otjregmlasdr[awrtkoertiytu42q9tj'fsij9g4kog,s;fldkaopwrgkjorpeajg9prjgkljarwtjrgjkaprogivmxcbiu[rtf,mvzxvjiotur[q'mfmzkjgipuerqvb,z;sokhcwekngftyhjgd

(that was me speaking in tongues)

Interpretation: I just want to sleep!

01:44 pm: randomness
Okay so I don't know if I'm addicted to this thing (despite Abbie's warning) or if I just have a lot on my mind. Probably a little of both. I've never been a journal keeper but I've learned it's very theraputical. Right now I have a bad headache, and I'm incredibly tired because I couldn't fall asleep last night. I was awake when it started to get light out. What the heck is wrong with me? I don't feel like studying and I don't want to nap either because I want to be super tired when I go to bed tonight. So I just laid down for a few minutes and I was thinking about politics again. Specifically, I was thinking about the issue of abortion. I hate debates over whether or not abortion should be legal because I don't feel that the two sides are even arguing the same issue. Pro-lifers say that you can't murder. Pro-choicers say you can't tell a woman what to do with her body. It doesn't make sense to argue these points because the other side doesn't care about the issue you are concerned with. As a pro-lifer, people get angry because they think I'm an advocate of restricting women's control of their own bodies. As a woman, I am certainly not in favor of this. I just think you need to finish what you started, not to mention, not murder. And let's face it, regardless of what stage the baby's heart starts beating or whatever, chances are nearly perfect that a fertilized egg will result in a human being. Let's say for a moment, however, that outlawing abortion really is denying women control of their bodies. In this case, it is my opinion that the importance of saving a life still trumps the importance of women having control of their bodies. So the point is, you can tell me all you want that women should be able to control their own bodies and I will agree with you. But not at the expense of another life. Similarly, you would agree with me that a life should be spared, but not at the expense of women loosing control of thieir bodies. And so it basically comes down to an opinion of what is more important. By the way, I just have to comment on the issue of women controling their own bodies. I would really like someone to explain to me exactly how forbidding abortion is denying women this control, more so than allowing abortion. It always gets me when men are pro-choice. OF COURSE they want to have sex with you with no obligation or responsibility attached! Duh! If having sex with you and then killing your baby isn't control, then I don't know what is. And the sick thing is, society has twisted this backward. I think it is good that I get to let off steam on here because honestly, I don't like to shove my views down people's throats. Main reason being, it's not about agreeing with me, it's about accepting the savior. Even if I were to change someone's mind about aborting, it still wouldn't be their ticket to heaven.

Another thing I was thinking about is my level of weirdness. I just struggle with the most odd things. The more I live life, the more I realize that I'm a failing perfectionist. I have very high standards for what I do and who I am, and naturally, when I don't meet those standards, I feel guilty and ashamed. I annoy myself, really. In school, I expect a 4.0 and if I know I'm not getting it then I just give up because "I'm failing anyway." This would probably be the cause for my roller coaster grades. It's odd really, I have many 3.5s and 4.0s, and many 0.0s and 1.0s (for an overall of about 2.7), and I've used ALL of my repeat credits. Whenever I think about school I feel guilty. I absolutely hate how I've performed and quite honestly, I don't even think I deserve a good job. This striving for perfection thing is also bad because I hold other people to the exact same standards. Although my love for people allows me to look past it, sin bothers me very much (unless the person isn't a Christian). It is extremely important for me to continue to focus on God's grace. This is one of the main reasons I'm scared to get married. My husband will (obviously) sin and I don't want to think of him as I think of myself, a failure.

Good thing there's a God, and He's willing to work with me.

12:27 am: Conflicted
I already got to vent to Abbie about this today, so I feel a little better (and a little sorry for her). First, I must say that I love my life. Not in the sense that I'm afraid to loose it, but in the sense that I wouldn't change most aspects of it. This is definately true especially since I've accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior. I first became a Christian because I felt extremely obligated to do so. To be completely honest, I thought that I was in for a boring life with harsh rules and restrictions. I don't think I've ever been more wrong about anything. I love God, I love being known by God, and I love being challenged by God. See, every day is a new adventure and everything I do is for a greater purpose. I love knowing my life is under control as long as I desire it to be that way, and I love loving people who are impossible to love because God shows me the way He sees them. Christianity is an unexplainable adventure. It's hard, it's exhausting, it's rewarding, it's amazing. With that said, I'm still at a loss as to what I'm going to do with my life. I'm not worried, I just can't see what it is that I am cut out for. Today I had an appointment with a career advisor to have my resume critiqued. As we talked, some things came up that weren't on my resume such as my study abroad experience, my trip to the Bahamas that I won through the bank, and some others. I had also left off my internship with His House because my dad, a business owner in Saginaw, said he would never hire anyone with religious affiliation, and I didn't really think I was a good intern anyway. Basically, the advisor was baffled that I didn't include these things because "I need to be selling myself" and we went on talking for a half hour about ways that I can make myself look good and stand out from the rest. You might be wondering why this caused such conflict with me and it's because I have no interested in selling myself, nor do I like talking about myself. I'm afraid I've been so focused on reflecting the image of God (which is not only my duty, but also my passion), that I wouldn't know how to make myself look good even if I wanted to. The fact is, I'm NOT better than anyone else. Sure, I can make a list of my awards and accomplishments, but I don't think I could ever have the attitude of "You should hire me over this person because..." Even if I were hired over that other person, I probably wouldn't have cared about the job as much as he would have, so shouldn't he have gotten the job anyway? I think about my job now at the bank, and everyone loves me. My boss bends over backward for me and I'm pretty sure I'm the highest paid employee at my branch (besides my boss and her boss). Some customers even wait for me to wait on them, and some I will see on the street and we'll talk for an hour (that happened today, actually). This is not because I have the highest G.P.A. (trust me on that one), or because of my study abroad experience. And honestly, I couldn't care any less about the price of Citizens Bank stock. I do know, however, that I'm a good employee because I love people. I'm interested in them, and I'm out for their best interest. Nothing in the world is more important to me than people and their relationships with God. But what am I going to say at my next job interview? "Umm.. hire me because I love people?" I'm not in the mood for competition (which is what any business is) and I'm afraid that's a bad thing. Aside from that, I've been thinking of other aspects of having a career. Take for example, an FBI Agent. I've been considering this job since it came back number one on my inventory assessment results (gee, do you think it's beause I like analyzing things?) It sounds pretty close to my dream job (second to academic advising, which, by the way, I basically can't do because my grades are too low to get into most grad schools) but from what I gather, it's very consuming work. It just doesn't make sense to me to spend 16 hours a day investigating a murder case when, first of all, the person that needs help is no longer the person who's dead, but the person who killed him, and secondly, that's precious time I could be spending doing virtually ANYTHING else (for God)! Despite all of this I still need a well paying job because I'm starting to think that I might be single for life (which I think I will be okay with). This sounds funny at first, but when you think about it, being single is expensive! When you're married, you basically get to pay half-price for everything (except food). My rent for next year is $585 and I'm thinking "Man, if I had a husband I'd only have to pay $292.50! Now that's a lot of money to either save or spend on something else!" My point in saying this is I'm not really passionate about any particular career, but I'm still going to have to make pretty decent money. Uhhh... dilemma! Of course I pray about this a lot and ask God what I should pursue, but all I seem to hear is "Be patient." Okay, God, but umm... the sooner the better. I mean, I AM going to be 25 soon. I think it's time to get something going as far as a career goes. Well it's way late. My brain hurts. I'm out.

12:47 am: Tired
Okay so I decided to start this live journal because I need to take out frustration when I can't sleep. I don't know why I'm like this, but for some reason this semester I can never get quality sleep. I will be dead tired, but I will still lie there and think of absolutely anything. Just a few minutes ago, I was thinking about politics. I am really interested in politics, but I hate talking about it, or even stating my political preference because it causes so much division. To begin with, I don't like fighting. I can take argument when it's fruitful, but otherwise I don't want anything to do with it. On top of the fact that I don't like it when people don't get along, I also don't believe that any political party is the solution to the ultimate problem. As an avid follower of Christ, I believe that the problem with the world is sin in the human heart. The only solution, then, is He who can wash this sin clean - not some political party. Neither democrats nor republicans will make people become unselfish, only Jesus will. So anyway, back to politics. I then started wondering how different groups of people, namely democrats and republicans, could possibly view the same issues so differently. I mean, essentially both parties have the same information, don't they? And they both just want to do the best thing for our country, don't they? When I lived with my good friend Tracy, we would argue politics all the time. The interesting thing was, we agreed on the facts, but drew different conclusions from those facts. We both agreed that thousands of innocent people (mostly Iraqis) were dying in the war. She felt this was justification to end the war. I felt it was a tragic side-effect of an action that must be taken to prevent thousands more deaths. I mean really, other than those clinically insane, who really desires to bomb thousands of innocent people? Nobody. But who really desires to do nothing while thousands of people get killed by some nasty dictator anyway? Nobody. And such is life. It's funny how all of these thoughts went through my head in about two or three seconds, but when I type them it takes forever. I think I'm not going to tell anyone about this livejournal thing because there's really no point in doing so. Half the time I don't even think anyone will understand what I'm saying because I will be talking in Kristin language or I will type only half a thought or something. In addition, I think it will be interesting to see if anyone that I know finds this journal. It's a little odd knowing that anyone can read it. My instinct is to watch what I say, but why? Even if I do expose some truth about myself, is it not still the truth? If there really are things I don't like about myself, I suppose I'd better come to terms with them. Well, off to bed, take two.